


Christmas? How Very.

by orphan_account



Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Christmas, F/F, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, MERRY MERRY, SO MERRRY, but with heathers tho, dont they go together well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 20:23:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8636902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Heathers? And Christmas?How very.





	

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone down in Sherwood liked Christmas a lot.
> 
> But Heather Chandler, who lived just north of Sherwood,  
> Did NOT!

Everyone down in Sherwood liked Christmas a lot.

But Heather Chandler, who lived just north of Sherwood,  
Did NOT!

Heather HATED Christmas! The whole Christmas season!  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knew the reason.  
Maybe her hair wasn't done right,  
Maybe her heels were much too tight.  
But... I think the most likely reason of all  
May have been that her heart was three sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, her heart or her shoes,  
She stood there on Christmas Eve, hating her peers. Staring down from her cave, with a sour, grinchy frown  
At the warm lighted windows below in the town.  
For she knew everyone down in Sherwood beneath  
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" she snarled with a sneer.  
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"  
Then she growled, with her red nails nervously drumming,  
"I MUST find some way to stop this Christmas from coming!"  
For tomorrow, she knew...

... All the girls and boys  
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!  
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!  
That's the one thing she hated. The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the people- young and old- would sit down to a feast.  
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!  
And they'd feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!  
They would feast on pudding and rare roast beast!  
(Which was something that Heather Chandler couldn't stand in the least!)

And THEN!  
They'd do something she hated most of all!  
Everyone down in Sherwood, the tall and the small,  
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing,  
They'd stand hand-in-hand, and they'd all start singing! 

They'd sing! And they'd sing!  
AND they'd SING! SING! SING!  
The more Heather thought of this old Christmas-Sing,  
the more Heather thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"  
"Why, for sixteen years I've put up with it now!"  
"I must stop this Christmas from coming! ... But how?"

Then, she got an idea!  
An awful idea!  
Heather Chandler  
got a WONDERFUL, AWFUL idea!

"I know JUST what to do!" Heather laughed in her throat.  
And she made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.  
And she chuckled and clucked, "What a great bitchy trick! With this hat and this coat, I look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a reindeer..."  
Heather looked around,  
but since reindeer are scarce, there were none to be found.  
Did that stop dear Heather...?  
No! Heather simply said,  
"If I can't FIND a reindeer, I'll MAKE one instead!"  
She called her friend, Mac. Then she took some red thread,  
And she tied a big horn on top of her head.

THEN!  
She loaded some bags  
And some old empty sacks,  
And sat down with old Mac.

Then Heather said "Giddap!"  
And the sleigh started down  
Toward the homes where everyone  
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.  
All students were all dreaming sweet dreams without care  
When they came to the first little house on the square.  
"This is stop number one," Mrs. Heather Claus hissed  
And she climbed to the roof, empty bags in her fist.

Then she slid down the chimney, light as a feather.  
Hell, if Santa could do it, why couldn't Heather?  
She got stuck only once, for a moment or two,  
But she stuck her head out of the fireplace flue,  
Where the little red stockings all hung in a row.  
"These stockings," she grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then she slithered and slunk, with a smirk most unpleasant,  
Around the whole room, and she took every present!  
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!  
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn and plums!  
And she stuffed them in bags. The Heather, quite daintily,  
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the damn chimney!

Next, Heather grabbed the tree, and she started to shove.  
When she heard a small sound- like the coo of a dove!  
Little Veronica, who was just seventeen.

Heather had been caught by this (much taller) daughter,  
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.  
She stared at Heather and said, "Santy Claus, the fuck?"  
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Fuck?"

But even though Heather Chandler wasn't that smart or that slick,  
She thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick!  
"You fucking pillowcase." The fake Santy Claus lied.  
"Your tree's a piece of shit. It won't light on one side."  
"So I'm taking it back to Wal-Mart, my dear."  
"They'll fix it up there, then I'll bring it back here."

And her fib fooled Ronnie. Then she shrugged it off.  
And she got her a beer and sent her to bed.  
And when Veronica Sawyer went to bed with the cup,  
She went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then, the last thing she took  
was the log for the fire!  
Then she went up the chimney herself, the old liar.  
On their walls, there was nothing left but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food that was left in the house  
Was a crumb! (Too small for even a mouse!)

Then  
She did the same thing to the other folk's houses.

Leaving crumbs much too small or any of the other mouses!

It was a quarter past dawn,  
All the people in bed,  
All the people asleep,  
When she packed up their sled  
Packed it up with presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!  
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! On the side of Mt. Crumpit,  
She rode with her load to the top so she could dump it!  
"Pooh-Pooh to the students of Westerberg High!" She was sarcastically crying.  
"They're finding out Christmas isn't coming!"  
"They're just waking up! I know JUST what they'll do!"  
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,"  
"Then... The students down at Westerberg will all cry, boo-hoo!"

"And that's a noise," Heather grinned.  
"That I simply MUST hear!"  
So she paused. And Heather but her hand to her ear.  
And she DID hear a sound rising over the snow.  
It started out low, then it started to grow.

But the sound wasn't SAD!  
Why this sound sounded merry!  
It COULDN'T be so!  
But it WAS merry! VERY!

She stared down at Sherwood!  
She popped open her eyes!  
Then she shook!  
What she saw was a shocking surprise!

Everyone down in Sherwood, the tall and the small,  
Was singing! Without any presents at all!

She HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!  
IT CAME!  
One way or another, it came just the same!

And Heather, with her red heels in the ice-cold snow,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling.  
"How could it be?"  
"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!"  
"It came without packages, boxes, or bags!"  
And she puzzled for three hours! (Her puzzler was sore)

Then Heather thought of something that she hadn't before.  
"Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store."  
"Maybe Christmas... perhaps..." She thought, "...means a little bit more?"

And what happened then?  
Well... In Sherwood they say  
That Heather's small heart  
Grew four sizes that day!  
And the minute her heart didn't feel quite so tight,  
She whizzed her sled through the bright morning light  
And she brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!  
And she...

HER HERSELF!  
Heather carved the roast beast!


End file.
